


The Amazing Adventures of The Magnificent Bosom and The Hedgehog Hair!

by cassikat



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Episode Remix, Gen, Other, S4 from different povs, Sub-rosa flirting, Talking body parts, crack!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-01
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-12-22 16:53:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11971602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassikat/pseuds/cassikat
Summary: A very... hmm, different look at the events of S4.  Through the eyes, so to speak, of Donna's Magnificent Bosom and the Doctor's Hedgehog Hair!





	The Amazing Adventures of The Magnificent Bosom and The Hedgehog Hair!

**Author's Note:**

> It's all my fault for a change. My idea. My crack, with which I infected tardis_mole and TKelParis. Usually it's the other way 'round - I'm quite pleased with myself. =D 
> 
> Anyway, crackfic presented for your reading pleasure. No food or drinks allowed, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times!

 

* * *

 

Sometimes we hate being us. Though if the head would pay attention to us - or more specifically that most walking mops can't even look at her face when they talk - she'd... well, she'd have a lot fewer walking mops to spend time with, but they'd at least be quality!

Take this one the head's decided to marry. Please, take him! Take him far away and dump him in whatever hell the inventor of the minimiser bra belongs in! Not only is he more of a floor polisher than a mop (he's got no hair!), but he gives us the creeps! Yes, that's both of us. Left boulder and right boulder. The Magnificent Bosom of Donna Noble... but what's the point of being us if we're never listened to? I mean, surely us keeping the nipples soft rather than going all perky points around that floor polisher should be a clue that he's not the right anything for her?

Nooo, course not. She's too desperate to listen to us, so she's actually going to marry that creepy floor polisher. And she picked a dress that shows off too much of us... well, at least it's not that black number. Ooh, we thought we were going to fall right out the top of that thing! Uh-oh, what's this? Everything's getting all tingly, and not in a good way...

 

* * *

 

Sometimes it's hell being me. Look at me, I'm a collection of strands of a particular type of protein meant to be an indicator of potential mates for the twit I'm attached to. But he doesn't listen to me. Nope, instead he leaves me limp and drooping cos he hangs around Miss Hair Dye - and that's utterly disgusting, that she dyes her hair. I can't even tell what colour that limp mess on that girl's head is supposed to be! That, to me, means she's not being honest. She's hiding something, and hiding something around my host is usually a bad thing.

When he's not such an idiot as to be utterly attached to her, her curves, and that stupid indulging his most idiotic ideas thing she's got going. Oh, wait, what's this? Shooty things?! Lots of shooty things! And the Evil Pepperpots of Doom! Gaah! This, for once, makes me appreciate that he's hanging with Miss Hair Dye - if I was standing up like I'm supposed to when he's got a good match, I'd have been burnt off by now! Do something, brain! Do something, legs! Get me out of here!

\----------

Ooh, that's a nice one, Host! Use that mess they caused to draw them right back out of the world, and more importantly, away from me! Aaand, if I could facepalm I would - stupid Hair Dye wouldn't do what she's told, and now she's going to fall into the hole in the wall with all the shooty things and Evil Pepperpots. Even Hair Dye doesn't deserve that fate, so it's good that she got rescued and taken away. More the taken away part, really. And once I get used to that, I can liven up a bit.

Sometime after he recovers from being cut off mid-sentence. Honestly, what did he think he was going to accomplish, hemming and hawing like that? Now Hair Dye probably thinks he loves her... for all the communication issues we have, he might well do. I'll have to put a stop to that and find him a proper potential mate. Somehow. Just let me think on it a minu... whoa Nelly! Would you look at what just popped in! Let me give _that_ a good once-over!

Ginger hair and not dyed, perfect! Wish I was ginger, but I've got a greaaat shade of brown going, so I'll deal. Shouty person, that does go with ginger hair, but given what else I can see, she's forgiven any insults she might hurl. That is the most magnificent bosom I've ever seen in any of my styles! Ladies! Hellooo! Over here!

 

* * *

 

Great. In both the original and sarcastic meanings of the word. Yes, great, we don't have to watch Donna marry the floor polisher and give him the right to touch us. But _great_ , we're in a weird room and it's flippin' cold in here! Cold enough that our nipples are being temperature gauges! Turn around Donna, we need to see what else is here, and so do you!

Oh, hello! That's a new walking mop - and the mop moves on it's own! It moves! Ooh, can't you just imagine... no wait, none of that right now. While we're not as upset as Donna is about being taken away from marrying the floor polisher, we do want to know how we got here. Unfortunately the moving mop's handle is wandering around babbling. And now he's gotten slapped cos Donna's upset. Seriously, sweetie, just move on. The floor polisher is no good for you. Not saying that this particular walking mop is, but he's intriguing at least. And sensible enough to pay brief but proper homage to us, then talk to Donna.

Thank goodness she didn't notice the self-moving mop, or she'd be even more upset. Aww, that's sweet, he likes us. He's gone all standy-uppy trying to get our attention... looks a bit like a hedgehog, really. So, to delineate him from all the other mops out there, we'll call him Hedgehog Hair. Hear that, you moving mop? You're now Hedgehog Hair!

 

* * *

 

She slapped him! The toter of the Magnificent Bosom slapped my Host! Blimey, but she packs a wallop! I think I'm still spinning! But bonus - the Bosom noticed me! Hedgehog Hair? Well, I guess I can live with that. Could be worse, they could have showed up when Hair Dye was actually around, though I dread to think what they'd have called me then. Limp is the least of it.

Host and Toter are arguing, landing, and there goes the tempery Toter. No, Host caught up and they're cramming into one of those stupid vehicles. I may grouse about the Box, but at least she's comfortable - these taxi things are ridiculous! Ah, out again, but now the Magnificent Bosom is as upset as their Toter. Ladies, I'm sorry, bad things happen. But it's not my fault! Nor my Host's!

No, no, no, no, no! Host, you know better than to leave a mysteriously appearing Magnificence alone even for a minute! They're leaving! You have to go catch... oh bugger. More shooty things - this time it's those Santa things with their musical instruments of destruction. Well Host? Do something before you get holes and I get burnt!

 

* * *

 

Oh. My. God! We've been kidnapped! Again! Eek! What is that driving? A robot?! Ohhh, please Hedgehog Hair, we know we gave you the cold shoulder recently, but please!  Please get your skinny walking mop to rescue us! We don't like this, it's scarier than when everything went all tingly!

...seriously? That's what the skinny mop's Box looks like when it flies? And now he wants our Donna to jump?! It's a flippin' motorway, and we're already precariously perched enough in this show-lots dress! And really, this whole thing is so scary we're surprised our Donna can do anything at all. Much less do what that mop's saying. We don't care if Hedgehog Hair is right there, no amount of cute and intriguing is worth thi-aaaaaah!

\------------

Oh. We're safe. And from this angle, Hedgehog Hair's attached to a really nice walking mophandle. REALLY nice. Too bad our Donna still wants to marry the floor polisher, cos this could have been the start of something amazing. And up and away, and of course rescuing us had to break the Box. It's like the entire universe is trying to tell us we're too big or something.

And now they're talking, and it's windy, and we'd much rather be finding out what Hedgehog Hair can really do when he gets to move. Not sit here and listen to our Donna tell Skinnymop mostly honestly about the floor polisher. Really, we wish they'd never met, much less got engaged. And now it's time to go to the reception. This is going to be so shaming - we're almost falling out the dress, and everyone's going to be wondering what Donna and Skinnymop got up to.

 

* * *

 

One heroic rescue to order! And oh, beautiful Magnificent Bosom, close enough to almost touch! The teases! Still, we were closer than we have been yet, maybe we'll get lucky today.

Yeah, right, of course not. Host has to talk to the Amazing Toter to try and unravel the mystery, when what we should be doing is convincing her that we're a better pick than whoever she's marrying. It's torture, really, being that close to magnificence and not being able to touch. At least my Host noticed when the Toter fell on him - the Magnificent Bosom may call him a mop, but that was no mop-handle!

Aaand here we go, by proper person-driven taxi, since the Box is resting from unexpected road impacts. Off to whatever a reception is.

\------------

Really? Reeaaaally? How can you idiots actually have been partying without the Amazing Toter and her Magnificent Bosom? Gah! I will never understand people! How can they, especially her family and the weird bald pseudo-host treat her like that? Or the ladies? Makes me wish I could really go wild and have actual spikes, and convince my Host to act like a rampaging bull and gore them all.

Well, at least once they stopped shouting, my Host got to investigate things. Torchwood... isn't that the people who let the shooty things and the Evil Pepperpots of Doom out? And they own where the Amazing Toter works? That's not good. What's even less good is watching how the Magnificent Bosom and their Toter got into the Box. Gold sparkles may be pretty, but teleports and transmats don't work like that. Only... huon particles. Which explains how the Magnificence got in the Box, cos the Box has huon particles too. But how did huon particles get into the Magnificent Bosom? And more importantly, how did we get surrounded by shooty Santa things without noticing it? Hope the Host can do something, cos those things are blowing up the place!

 

* * *

 

 

We don't care if Hedgehog Hair is amazing, we don't care that Skinnymop is actually starting to properly notice our Donna... we want to go home! Without the floor-polisher, thank you! We don't want to be here, it's dark and damp and we hate the damp! And do you think you could tuck us back into the dress, Donna? Seriously, you may subconsciously be trying to attract Skinnymop, and we're definitely trying to ensure Hedgehog Hair stays interested, but stability would be nice!

Ooookay, so Hedgehog Hair's Skinnymop also has a nice bottom. Good on you for looking, Donna! Now, d'you think you can stop following the floor-polisher around? Especially cos he's in cahoots with the scary spider-thing?!

... that is not what we meant. I mean, we knew the floor-polisher wasn't right for Donna, but how could he possibly even think about being this cruel?! There's a reason Donna doesn't do what you want, you stupid, floor-polishing monster! She's got these things called standards, not like the Silicone Twins and their Nerys. Horrible, wretched monster... we just hope Hedgehog Hair and his Skinnymop aren't believing you. Just cos our Donna thinks different doesn't mean she's stupid!

\------------

What? Seriously? The Box came on its own to rescue us?! Sooo... does that mean the Box ought to be given the chance to pay homage to us too? Oi! No need to shout, we didn't know you were female!

She's a talking box. Even if we don't understand a word she says, we can still tell an indignant shout when it makes us vibrate! Pity Donna was too busy crying to notice, and Skinnymop probably didn't notice, though we know Hedgehog Hair did - he went all flat, poor dear. Maybe, if we can wriggle just right, he'll notice and perk up more. Except he's probably paying attention to what's outside the door, like Skinnymop and Donna are. It's pretty enough, but really cold cos here we go playing temperature gauge again!

 

* * *

 

Lovely. As if the shooty Santa things weren't enough, now we have people eating spider things, and they have nefarious plots against the Magnificent Bosom! And their Amazing Toter! That's just not on, you hear me spider thing?

Well, the Box did. And oww! Did you have to shout at the Bosom, Box? It's not like they know you're female! And no, you shouldn't have expected them to guess - they've been through a very rough time today, and they did apologise. Sorry, ladies. I should have found a way to warn you that the Box is female.

Ooh, look out there! Planets colliding! And a stupid spider-thing ship burying itself under the crust of the larger chunk that's going to become the Earth! Why it couldn't have picked on the Moon... oh now what?! Something's taken control of the Box and is dragging her back! No, no, no, no, no, don't want to go where they want us - they'll steal the Magnificent Bosom and their Amazing Toter! Good thing my Host is on the ball - a jump to the side and we're safe enough. For now. It'll be all right, ladies, my Host has experience in this.

Including ignoring the obvious and letting the Amazing Magnificence get kidnapped. Again. Honestly Host, would it kill you to pay attention to something other than your own mouth?

 

* * *

 

This has got to be the worst day, bar none, in our entire existence from teensy little bumps all the way to the magnificent size we are now. We are now tangled in spiderweb with our Donna, next to that floor-polisher, and that disgusting spider-thing is trying to get all of us killed! Oh... oh dear. The floor-polisher just fell down the really deep hole. We may not have wanted our Donna to marry him, but we didn't want him dead. And what does that skinnymop think he's doing?! We're going to fall! Aaaah!

Ow. At least we didn't fall down that hole... but now skinnymop's being all scary and blowing holes in walls. We're not sure if it's worth having Hedgehog Hair around if it means his scary mophandle is going to blow stuff up everywhere. Still, at least he listened to our Donna when she told him to stop, that's a point in his favor.

\------------

And now we're soaking wet, and out in the cold wind cos the Box is busy pumping the river back where it belongs. Brrr! At least Donna tucked us back into the dress... for all the good that does, the dress is ruined. Just like the day.

 

* * *

 

Worst day since Hell broke and Host regenerated so I was a short buzz-cut, barely able to move at all. We almost lost the Amazing Magnificence, and Host scared the Amazing Toter. But he did listen to her tell him to stop, so that's a plus. Also, the Magnificent Bosom seems to have settled back down to paying attention to me. Or is that the ruination of the dress that's letting them peek out so much more? Don't know, don't care, they've been the only bright spot this entire day.

\------------

What? What?! Host, do something! Apologize! Grovel! Something - anything! We can't let the Amazing Magnificence leave us - they're perfect! Haven't you noticed me at all, how perky I've been around the Amazing Toter?! It's not just all cos of the Magnificent Bosom - she's as close to your perfect mate as we've found, ever! Well, except for Sarah Jane and her twins, but we know how that worked out don't we?

You let them get away cos you're still hung up on Miss Hair Dye? Oh for... if I could only detach and slap you like the Amazing Toter did. Idiot. Fool. Our only hope is that we somehow run into them again, cos she did ask if we'd ever meet again. If I had fingers, I'd cross them... ah well.

Farewell, magnificent ladies - if the fates are kind, we'll meet again.

 

* * *

 

We're not sure what to think of the end of the day. Skinnymop wanted our Donna to come along with him, which would have been good because we'd have had ample opportunity to tease Hedgehog Hair and possibly see if Skinnymop would be a good match for our Donna. But overall, today was just too weird and scary for all three of us, so despite really going to miss Hedgehog Hair we're good with Donna telling Skinnymop no.

Still, they did part on amicable terms, not like most of the mops Donna's parted ways with, so maybe we'll see the skinny mop and his Hedgehog Hair again. Here's hoping next time isn't as scary. And no more spider-things!


End file.
